28 September 2014


Case 1: The Case of the Missing Turnips (Part 7)

22nd June

courtesy of Drew Comika
Having a dead body lying around the house was not exactly a good thing, neither was a barking dog. And hiding it in mums antique suit of armour that stood on the landing wasn't going to solve the problem. I had got rid of the barking dog by dragging it back to the farm in the evening, and tying it to the front gate post. I can only assume Mr Johnson retrived it? I certainly wasn't hanging around to find out. I decided I needed to get out of the village and dispose of the body. I wasn't going to get the blame for a murder I hadn't committed. So dragging the body in the suit of armour down the stairs (past the broken cupboard, which still hadn't been cleared). I attached it to my back and cycled to the nearby village of Latimer. I had a few suspicious looks, most notably from Mr Johnson who was walking around calling out for Mrs Johnson and thankfully dragging a still barking dog. I peddled quicker to get as far away as quickly as possible, I didn't need a confrontation.

The village of Latimer had a deep well and was as good as any place to dispose of the late Mrs Johnson. Unfortunately it had been concreted in! I had to change plans. So I dug a hole in the local church graveyard (undercover of darkness of course). Having found a shovel at the church gates. I decided to stay on for a couple of days to try and make it look like I had been away on business. Which technically I had. Cycling home a few days later, I spotted our local policeman P.C. Bob Pig walking around questioning people. Again I cycled quickly to avoid having to explain my absence. On returning home there was a note pinned to the floor. I picked it up and half the carpet with it. Although it was hard to read I sort of got the gist.

Iff  yoo wan 2 see the oled laydi agin, it ill co2t ya...loads!!

Yors sinserely 
Kid napier 

Attached on the back was a stamped addressed envelope for the ransom demand, it was labelled c/o Mrs Wilcox. Strange I thought? Why address it to the person who had been kidnapped? And how much was loads? None the wiser I put it in my coat pocket and went out to have a think about what to do next. I was thinking so hard that I didn't notice the tree I walked into; causing great damage to the tree I may add. After recovering it had to be said that this tree wasn't one I was familiar with (what with me being a tree climber) and it soon transpired that I had wondered so far that I had no idea where I was. I was lost! I turned and aimlessly walked about for an hour or two, finally coming across a small hut. On closer inspection I discovered it was our outside toilet and mum was inside who upon hearing my footsteps asked where I had been. The smell was horrendous and telling her I had gone for a long walk, in which she replied "for three days!" I fled mainly because a minute longer with that smell would be enough to put me on a longer holiday in a hospital.

In the kitchen I slumped onto the chair, I was getting nowhere, no ideas, no clues and still no idea where the pigs, chickens, turnips and not forgetting a missing Mrs Wilcox. I picked up that mornings Leyhill Echo for some encouragement. The headline was about Mr Johnson wondering where his wife had gone? I skipped that one quickly and saw a small article that read;

Shock, Horror
Mrs Wilcox is still missing or so a letter from the kidnapper tells us. PC Bob Pig has however arrested Messers Kiln and Pickles, both councillors on the village commity suspected of the kidnapping. A press conference is to be held this afternoon at the village hall of St Georges. No tea or coffee will be provided so bring a flask.
I had to get myself down there and quick, I had no time to make a flask of tea this was an important development and I needed to hear the facts. Had part of the case been solved? Or was PC Bob Pig snorting about in the wrong mud bath?

To be continued......


19 September 2014

Chickens off the menu then?

The Case of the Missing Turnips - Part 6

19th June
"Blooming heck" I thought as I read The Leyhill Echo the next morning. The leading article was about some train heist that had gone wrong due to unprepared planning. Apparently whilst organising the heist the gang leaders were rudely interrupted by some bloke asking about a cheap golden ring. The report stated that an elderly gentleman had vowed revenge! No idea what that was about and it was none of my concern really. I was just about to turn the page when into the kitchen stepped Mrs Johnson the farmers wife, she seemed flustered, as if she had forgotten something! She apologised and turned and walked out? Having no idea why she had come in, and how for that matter I got back to reading the newspaper. Suddenly she appeared again with a dogs lead trailing behind her. 

"Opps, I've forgotten the dog!" She said and was once again gone. Clearly the missing pigs business had turned her completely mad, so I carried on reading and noticed a significant story at the bottom on page 3.

Mrs Wilcox goes missing 

Leyhills very own super granny and life president of Leyhill cricket club, Leyhill bowls club, Leyhill Pensioners Ravers Club, the Bridge club, Leyhills flower arranging club and the Brownies; Mrs Wilcox has gone missing reports suggest today. P.C. Bob Pig (the local policeman) stated "it's a tragedy for the community. She's never been kidnapped before.'

"Is this the right place for the party?", added Mr Kiln a local councillor who happens to be deaf. A note was found pinned to her front door with a ransom demand of £5 and a years supply of booze. P.C. Bob Pig has stated that a reward has been issued to whoever can find the old dear or give clues leading to her safe return. Mr Kiln continued by asking what time the party was starting. More to follow...

I read the report again. A reward...wow I could do with some cash, although the report didn't state what the reward would be. I was about to get cracking with what seemed to be two cases, when you guessed it Mrs Johnson returned. This time the dog was on the lead, although it looked like it didn't want to be, and who could blame it?

"Mr Wilson" she cried right in my ear, which flipping hurt by the way. "All our chickens have been stolen". 
"No!" I replied in surprise.
"Yes" she stated matter of factly. "Are you doubting me? I should know they are our chickens!"
"No" I replied again.
"What do you mean no? They are our chickens, how dare you think I am a liar"
"No I don't doubt you" I stated.
"Well, thats alright then" she pronounced, still close to my ear.
"How? When?" I asked, trying desperately to move her away from my ear, but she wouldn't budge. 
"Last night, I went down to feed them this morning and they were gone, all that was left were the eggs!" 
"Oh well at least you can still make an omelette" I clucked with a chuckle.
 "This is very distressing Mr Wilson and not a good time for jokes".
 "Its not much fun for me either, I can tell you" I said as I finally managed to shove her away from my deafened ear.  She fell a little awkwardly and disappeared out of the kitchen for a brief moment, screaming as she went.

She eventually staggered back into the kitchen, looking a little pale it had to be said. I tried asking her a number of questions, mainly about how she had walked into our house without knocking! But it was becoming increasingly hard to hear her as the dog was now barking and she was standing in a strange way, as if she was about to collapse onto the floor. When I walked over to her I discovered the reason for the lack of answers and the weird stance; a knife was stuck in her back, she was infact dead. Funny place to leave a knife I thought. I now had an extra problem, where was I going to put the body of the once Mrs Johnson? And when would I be able to get back on the case to look for missing pigs, chickens and turnips? And not forgetting searching for Mrs Wilcox and working out who had just stabbed Mrs Johnson and why?  Being a detective was a lot harder than I first thought and my ear was still aching! Had I been framed so that I could be taken off the case?

To be continued.....


11 September 2014

Vodka Tea, Little Old Ladies and Wardrobes

Case 1: The Case of the Missing Turnips  (Part 5)

17th June

Because of the revelation that the owner of the ring was my neighbour Mrs Wilcox I had to pay her a visit. First though I needed to dress, stripped pyjamas are not the most pratical of clothes, especially ones with a flap rather than a button or zip on the front! Eventually I strode to her house with a purpose in my steps. I knocked on her door, which fell off its hinges. Strange? So I moved cautiously inside, perhaps it was a trap? I was not cautious enough as I tripped on the fallen door a fell towards her small coffee table that had a priceless ming vase sitting pretty on its shiny surface. Hitting the table with considerable force, the vase flew into the air, I outstretched a gloved hand and just managed to....miss it. The crash could be heard from as far away as the kitchen, where Mrs Wilcox was making her homemade blackberry vodka (something she was apparently developing for Russian friend that she had got to know through her pal Mrs Blouse at the cricket club!) She peered around the kitchen door, but couldn't see a thing as her glasses had fallen off so was unaware of the broken ming vase or a suspious looking gentleman sprayed across her floor entangled with her front door. I said hi it's John from next door and she asked if I wouldn't mind helping her find her glasses. With pleasure I replied. An hour later they were discovered in her pinny pocket! She offered me a cup of tea. How could I refuse? And anyway I had to ask her about the ring and also needed to delay her from leaving the kitchen and discovering the devastation of a once priceless vase and a broken front door. Unless of course it was all an elaborate plan by her?

I showed her the ring, which she took from me, nearly pulling me finger off! It was my precious, I had decided and I wanted to keep it, but clearly wasn't going to get it back. She thanked me for returning it and proceeded to talk about some ladies club outing to Eastbourne and how the price of pork had risen so sharply in the supermarkets these days. All I wanted to do was ask her about the ring but she was cannily good at avoiding my questions and I was suddenly feeling a little light headed after the third cup of tea she gave me. I decided I was getting nowhere and thought that it was best to leave and try again when my head felt better. On turning away I felt a sudden blow to the head, not helped by a seemingly increasing headache I flopped to the floor, in an unconscious heap.

I awoke to find myself inside a locked wardrobe, full of old bloomers which clearly had seen better days. I was a hostage, I had to get out of here. I bashed the door with my foot, rocking the wardrobe as I did so, the bloomers started flying into my face, all pinks and floral patterns. I bashed some more and eventually the wardrobe decided to fall over. Hitting the floor it shattered, myself and the bloomers being thrown onto the bedroom carpet, eventually ending up in the opposite corner to where the wardrobe had been. Brushing them aside I rose, not noticing the giant moose head that hung from the wall. Hitting it square in the jaw we ended up both entangled in a pile of bloomers and wood. I had had quite enough. Clearly I had been set up by Mrs Wilcox, I had to find out why she had done this, what she had put in my tea and also ask about that ring, which was the whole reason for visiting in the first place. Remembering that the front door had, like the wardrobe been shattered into a thousand pieces I raced down the stairs, about to leap to freedom. However the door had been mended (how long had I been with her bloomers?) And once again I found myself nursing an increasingly sore head, but clear that Mrs Wilcox was up to something and quite possibly had a hand in the case of the missing turnips and the pigs. Also she was nowhere to be seen, so letting myself out I walked into freedom unaware that events were about to take a major turn....

To be continued.....


4 September 2014

The Golden Ring and Bikes and strange Criminal masterminds!

Case 1: The Case of the Missing Turnips (Part 4)

16th June

Woke up and got hit on the head. Something hard had struck me. Discovered it was the cricket ball belonging to that little squirt Clare Flynn, which had flown through my open bedroom window. Reluctantly, knowing the consequences after the cricket bat incident, threw it back at her. Luckily for my part I missed, although her fathers' greenhouse now had a smashed window. Decided I would  blame his daughter if I bumped into him again. It was time to get up and continue looking for clues and whilst walking out of the house I noticed a small shiny object lying in the grass. On picking it up, and half the grass with it, it turned out to be a golden ring. Wow..a clue. I needed to get an experts opinion to help shed some light on whose it might be, when it was made and if it might have any remnants of pig dung on it. That way I could link it to the case.

I ran back to the house, jumped on my bike; and missed. Picking myself up and dusting myself down I cautiously mounted the bike and rode towards the nearby town of Chesham. My journey was long and perilous, they had been re-tarmacking the road and I hadn't noticed. I did wonder why it was especially bumpy and having to mend four punctures wasn't exactly normal for a 2 mile journey to the town. Chesham had one jeweler's shop, KP Crips and Son, so with no other options available other than a pawn brokers, a high end diamond shop, a second hand craft store, a watch repair shop, a butchers and a vegetable store I went there. On entering I found Mr KP Crips and Son discussing business with an old gentleman, a certain Mr Van Winddycke-Schmidt (a local crime lord of Dutch / German decent it transpired). They seemed to be talking about a heist they were about to commit on a train that was coming to London. I wasn't particularly interested and as time was ticking I decided to push Mr Van Winddycke-Schmidt aside. I had pushed him a little too hard and he careered into the window display, there was a bit of a commotion, although with him being quite old it wasn't very quick in either the fall or the getting up and the attempt to attack me. This would allow me time to ask for the information I needed. I explained my situation and reluctantly Mr KP (his son was attending to the slightly shocked and increasingly angry Mr Van Winddycke-Schmidt) examined the ring.  Eventually Mr KP stood up, straightened his tie and then his shirt and trousers. He lent forward and said softly:

"It belongs to Mrs Wilcox, sir!" "Gordon Bennett" I replied. "No sir, Mrs Wilcox". "Yeah I know you have already told me that" I stated matter of factually. "How do you know" I continued. "Well her name is engraved on the inside of the ring if you had bothered to look. That'll be £5, please". Slightly surprised at the consultation cost I thanked Mr KP, reluctantly giving him all my pocket money. 

Making haste I picked my way through the mess on the shop floor and was confronted by Mr Van Winddycke-Schmidt. It must have taken him 5 minutes to get up?  I smiled, he frowned back. I then decided to scarper just as he was about to bring his forearm towards my face. Luckily he missed me but not both Mr KP and his Son. I'm not sure what happened next as I had already retrieved my bike, having again missed the saddle when attempting my escape. But I'm sure I heard Mr Van Winddycke-Schmidt cursing and Mr KP Crips and his Son stating they would be seeing their lawyers. I wasn't going to hang about to find out and I wasn't entirely sure if it was aimed at me or not. So Mrs Wilcox had dropped her ring outside our house, well that was at least something to go on, especially as I had forgotten to ask if the ring had any pigs dung on it. I had to confront her as to why she had dropped it outside the house, the case was clearly progressing.

to be continued....  



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